I recently turned, really more of a becoming and a growing into than a turning, the big five-0. It signifies a lot to make it to 50, it’s a milestone, an achievement an “Oh my god where did 50 years of my life go and what the hell have I done and what the hell am I doing?” moment. It is a lot to take in when you stop and think about it… and I stopped to think about it.

Every birthday I look back on that year and analyze the starting line, the finish line and all the lines in between… some of the lines worked so hard they’ve  appeared on my face… but none of the birthday look backs had the same effect that 50 did. This was not just one trip around the sun I was looking at, it was 50 of them.

I don’t mind the age of 50 or the number 50 or owning “my” 50, thinking back just made me a bit sad. I am not sure what I expected to see or wished to see but whatever ‘it’ was I did not see it.

It took a lot to get myself to 50 all in one piece… ok, maybe a few pieces held together with duct tape and paperclips… nevertheless I made it. When I reflected back on them, some of the years I really can’t remember, some seem wasted and lost, some I don’t recognize the person living them so did I actually live them?

The thing is, if I only remember the years of what I did not do, I miss the years of all the things I did do and there were some wicked awesome things.

Like every other look back on the year that was, I have many could have, should have, why didn’t I, what was I thinking, why did I wear that and what was up with my hair moments of reflection. I think the difference between 0 to 49 and 50 to beyond will be the ‘knowing’. Knowing self, knowing others, and knowing how much shit you are willing to put up with and at this age it ain’t much.

It may have taken 50 years of the good, the bad and the ugly (thank you 1980’s) but without all of it I would not be here, exactly here. I am constantly in a state of progression and learning, perfectly positioned to play out the next journey to another 50.